It has been forever since I last posted on this blog. I always have such good thoughts and think "I should blog this!" but then I can't seem to sit down and actually do it. Tonight is different. I am going to type this for myself and if someone else stumbles upon it then maybe you can offer some advice or encouragement. Here goes...
I have two wonderful, amazing, beautiful and healthy little girls. I love them with everything I have and then some. I thank God for all the joy they have brought into the lives of my husband and I. I love being a mom and even more, love being their mom. For as long as I can remember, it has always been a dream to have a larger family than what I had growing up. Now, I am not criticizing my parents for choosing to have just me and my brother. I love my brother, I really do. But, with that said, I often wish I had more siblings to share this life with. When I met Robert, I still thought that I wanted to have four children, no questions about it. He had a very different picture in mind. Although, he came from a family of four children, he did not want more than two. Of course, this was early on and we laughed and joked about this topic. Every girl thinks they can persuade their guy in just about every area, right?
Fast forward to today.....2 daughters and my husband STILL insists on no more kids. While I know he absolutely adores our girls and loves them with all he's got, he has a different picture of complete than I do. This makes my heart ache. Some days more than others. We've had the emotionally draining, hours long conversation of why I want another and why he so strongly believes there are already too many people on this planet and we don't need to add another. I get his argument, I really do, although not to the extent that I want to stop having children. After all, I am not asking for a dozen, just ONE more. ONE more is that really so much to ask? Apparently, it is.
Then there's the conversation about money...Oh money....how I love you and loathe you all at once. We already have TWO college tuitions to pay for, TWO vehicles, TWO weddings, TWO wardrobes (technically 1 since they are both girls), TWO daycare costs (temporary), TWO airplane tickets for vacations...and the list goes on. I have many pros and cons on my list as well. I am thankful to have a husband who is so money conscious and who does not want to live in debt and who takes it upon him to make sure we are financially well and set for a good future but WHYYYYY or why can't we agree on this one issue?!
I hear of other women who will say things like "Oh my husband doesn't want any more" or "It's not up to him" or "what if we just have an oops?" and this drives me bonkers!!! This drives me bonkers for a few reasons. 1) I know that for me, it's not as simple as "ill just talk him into it" 2) my husband isn't a push-over, not even close 3) I would never, never in a million years wish to have an "oops" in this situation for it would just not be good on our marriage if my husband weren't all for it. Madelyn was an "oops" and this is why I do not do the pills anymore. No chance of an oops:( I always getting very frustrated when Facebook turns into a baby competition. Don't get me wrong, I am happy for those who learn they are expecting but for real, when it's not always that simple for everyone, it sure can annoy the heck out of me. In case anyone reads this- Please, please no offense to ANYONE. It's not your fault.
I don't need sympathy, sometimes I just want to feel like I'm not the only mom/wife in this situation. I can't be the only one out there who is in disagreement with their husband on this topic, am I? Oh, I wish is weren't so complicated. blaah
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I'm sorry you're going through this, and I'm sure its very frustrating! Though I'm not in a similar situation, I always have felt the calling to adopt and (though my husband is adopted) my husband does not feel the same way. I'd love, someday, to adopt a 4th but not sure that hole/desire will ever be filled. Your youngest is still little... and to be honest in our marriage *I* was the one needing convincing for a 3rd child HAHA! Ryan wanted to have another once Hudson was a year old and I said NO WAY! I knew eventually we'd have a 3rd but I just wasn't sure on the timing. Maybe in a few years your husband will have a change of heart, and see another child and a slightly larger family as a blessing and not as much as a burden/struggle? Good luck, and hang in there.
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